...RACK lovers / 'jealousers' of America...
*** Efen, Frank, Ron - not sure you should read any further.
This may just ruin every RACK for you from here on out ***
You say you love 'em... I'm sorry to burst your bubble
You say you're jealous of 'em... soon, you will realize that I am jealous of you --- oh, thou with no rack
These things - they showed up sometime in high school. Over-freaking-night.
I'm not telling you a tale - oh no, this is a fucking true story...
I went to school on Monday, had no rack -
when I went to school on Tuesday,
the RACK HAD ARRIVED.
You thought you knew all of the details of my sad, sad story - the therapy sessions that have left me emotionally drained ... the twitching I have had to fight to overcome, all as a result of my name. But this, this is the rest of the story:
name + rack = shock therapy treatments
This rack of mine... not like the racks found at 'The Girls Next Door'. When I take off my bra, my rack - not exactly 'staring' you in the face... more along the lines of checking out if your shoes match your outfit.
Because my boobs are checking out whether or not you are keeping your pedicures current and if you read the memo in regards to never wearing white socks with black shoes when not tamed and holstered, I can NEVER leave the house without a bra. Not even to retrieve the paper from the end of the driveway. I might as well leave with no shirt at all... it is THAT obvious.
I have been in the process of trying to buy a winter coat for the past 3 years. Sure, I'm a bit picky - I like plain - I like black - requirements include looking good underneath my backpack - and NOT making me look like I am either trying to be a teenager or like I am a fucking old fart...
Oops... off task - back to my rack. Coats. The coat issue. Find a coat that fits the rest of me - EASY... try to zip it up enough to keep the rack toasty, warm and protected from the cold, blustery winter wind - NOT HAPPENING. Find a coat that fits the rack, NOT so easy. I end up looking like a fucking marshmallow because the coat is swallowing me whole - everywhere but my RACK!
Rack, what have I ever done to you?
I know, I know - I used you to feed two babies...
but you deserve it with everything you put me through during high school
(like being a teenager isn't difficult enough...)
Can't you find it within yourself to at least perk up and be pretty if you're going to stay?
Must you be heavy and have such expensive lingerie tastes?
Must you fight me every time I want to cover you in something warm?
Must you get in the way every time I try to drive a golf ball?
Rack, what have I ever done to you?
8 comments:
WOW...what a post!! (Thoroughly impressed :)
My Dear 'YO Adrienne'....I have found that people are usually more critical of themselves than in the eyes of others.
Plus, I don't believe you're giving people, especially those of us that are males, enough credit.
In my case, I don't judge 'racks' by their horizonal position(s). There is WAY more to 'them' that!
Take it from a guy....As you said, we love 'racks'....of all shapes and sizes. Please don't sell yourself short...we'd write bad checks just to prove you wrong ;)
efen... you rock. you really, really do.
YO Ardrienne: (I love saying that), I'm jealous of a rack so big you can't find a coat to keep them warm....Embrace them baby - as for the looking at your pedicures.......The Miracle Bra takes that all away, better they are real and natural, then stiff and overblown. And believe me, Men can spot the fake ones from a mile away.
Love your Boobies baby, they are your best weapon.
Who cares where they are staring as long as they are free!!! LOL
Awww Adrienne...I get it. Not that I can identify...but I do get it :) You're gorgeous, downward looking rack be damned :)
Well, I did read the whole thing despite your warning. I figure that if I'm still writing when I'm old enough to have to use Viagra, I'll probably write something bitchy about body parts that won't "perk up."
I take my bra off at night (sometimes, I just sleep in it - underwire and all), but I put it on first thing the next morning. If I didn't... I'd probably be arrested for indecent exposure.
You are SO RIGHT!!! I definitely could not have said it better. The only art I'm unfamiliar with is feeding the two children. The rest... I'm with you all the way!
You are freaking hilarious! I just love you!
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